Keep Away From Fire

That's what the warning label inside my new jeans says. As if to apprise me that when I wear this garment, there is a significant chance that I may burst into flames.

The jean designers have no idea.

I am on page thirty of my new script, adhering to a breakneck (for me) two-page-a-day pace.

Let me be perfectly clear - I have never, ever written this fast in my life. I feel like I am just barely holding on to a bucking steer, and if you knew what Lobsters vs. Butterflies was about, you'd find the metaphor quite apt. Rodeo cowboys consider eight seconds - the time required to hold onto a bull for a legitimate ride - to be an eternity. I am on schedule to finish this script in nine weeks, and it may as well be ten years.

Writing: Bribery and Ol' Dirty Bastard

Music industry legend has it that when the time came for perenially erstwhile (and sadly deceased) Wu-Tang member Ol' Dirty Bastard to record his second solo studio album, the record company execs had a problem.

They couldn't get ODB to show up in the studio to record. So they took the necessary step of bribing him, everyday, to show up and work. The bribes took the form of envelopes of cash, and some speculate, vials of drugs. The idea was that they would leave a little piece of cheese in the studio each day, and hopefully Dirt McGirt would show up and take the bait.

This actually worked, producing, in all senses of the word, a miracle. One known as the classic album "Nigga Please". Pharrell Williams, one of the producers on the album, once described in an interview how ODB would record a single line of a rap, exit the studio to take a long break, and then return to record the next line. And so on. Compare this work ethic to that of Too $hort, who recorded many, many albums, and famously boasted "I won't leave the studio until the song's done."

Let's put it this way: my work ethic is much more akin to that of Big Baby Jesus than Mr. Short. I bribe myself constantly. I buy myself expensive foods. I buy myself the latest Final Fantasy game. I buy clothes from Barney's New York.

Whatever it takes to get me to the desk. As long as I'm cranking out two pages a day, I'm invincible. I can do as I please, and you can't stop me.

Because I've done my writing for the day.

The Crackhouse

A few nights ago, my apartment building was raided by the police.

Why? Because one of my neighbors was running a METH AND CRACK LAB out of his apartment.

The police cordoned off the building with police tape, and biohazard trucks showed up to remove the chemicals. The dealer had all his windows blacked out, just like in the movies! And apparently, the tipster was the crazy old lady who lives on the third floor, who suspected the dealer of stealing her newspaper and kept him under constant surveillance. (Because meth dealers can't afford to buy their own newspapers, I guess.)

I should have known. Dude spent all hours of the day in the garage, painting his car different colors, one coat after another (and you know that's how meth types roll), and there were all sorts of people showing up in the building at odd hours. (I just assumed he had a lot of indie friends.)

Anyway, no matter how much cred you think you have regarding illicit drugs, I win. FOREVER.

After all, I live IN A CRACKHOUSE.

Writing: Fancy Software Is For Typesetting

No matter what software I use - whether its Final Draft, Movie Magic Screenwriter, or Microsoft Word - I find that it's best used for typesetting - that is, arranging the display of words ALREADY written.

The writing itself is better done in longhand, or in a basic text editor. The fancy software encourages me to aim for final-draft-quality output, which is crippling. And it also leads to a common fallacy of thought: because my words are visually formatted, they must be final. The simple tools, on the other hand, encourage me to sketch and mess around, without the pressure of feeling that my words are being chiseled into stone.

Once I've finished sketching out a scene, I then go to the software and lay out the words, which is small revision in itself, and a visual reward for finishing the work.

Writing: The Samurai Desk

Your desk is a reflection of your state of mind. An empty desk is the product of a mind that has sorted everything - every last scrap of paper, every utensil, every book, into its proper place at the end of the work day.

Therefore, the surface of your desk should always be empty, except when one is actually working at it.

To start the day by facing a cluttered desk is intimidating. You have a mess to clean before you've even started. Better to face an inviting work surface.

Now Comes The Exciting Part

The ironic thing is that I have no problem posting daily when I'm in remote parts of a foreign country with limited internet access, but once I return back to my apartment, I go dark.

Here's the deal: I'm about to run out of money. At my current rate of burn, I'll be done by Christmas, more or less. Remember the character introduction for Captain Jack Sparrow in the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie? He steps off the mast of his dinghy onto the wharf, just as his boat completely sinks into the water. Story of my life.

So I have four months left. By sheer coincidence, that's the amount of time I need to finish a good draft of Lobsters vs. Butterflies, my new and exciting script about the fierce and bitter rivalry between insects and crustaceans. So I am writing as quickly as I can, while as my financial house crumbles around me.

What happens when the money runs out? Will you get to read blog posts about living on the street and turning tricks? Or worse, going back to making video games about killing brown people?

I myself have been provided some insight about what happens next, but there is a difference between knowing something theoretically, and knowing it experientially. I've had this lesson reiterated in recent times: no matter how much one has been told about a person before meeting them, the actual encounter will both corroborate and betray the description in the most interesting ways. I will say that I am excited about what is about to happen, and leave it at that.

Right now, I'm concentrating on my first draft of LvB. Then we'll see. Finishing this draft on schedule should be eminently doable, assuming of course, that life cooperates by remaining free of intrigue and excitement for the duration.

But I doubt life will.