Brief Reviews of My Yoga Instructors

1) THE SCHOOLMARM

Vibe: Middle-Aged PE Instructor

New Age Quotient: Light

Workout Rating: * * (out of * * * * *)

Download - My Yoga Instructor Confiscates My MP3 Player

I was not-so-covertly recording audio of the session, and at one point in the class, she confiscated my mp3 player, mistaking it for a pager, and gave me a brief lecture on the evils of the "outside world". She stood in front of us and perfunctorily led us through all the poses, rarely walking around the room and checking our form. Of the three instructors, her routine was the least exhausting, that is, productive. Also, I noted that the morning class tends to draw an older crowd. I don't think I'll be back.


2) THE SUPERSTAR



Vibe: ESPN fitness show host

New Age Quotient: Through the Roof

Workout Rating: * * * *

I spent the first ten minutes of this class scrutinizing this woman's sport top, as it appeared to be violating several laws of physics, all at the same time. And then I figured it out: it's a sports bra and a top sewn together INTO ONE GARMENT. Engineers of women's fitness gear, a tip of the cap to you.

This woman led off the class with a brief talk regarding AJ, a woman who can remember nearly everything that happened on any given day of her life. And she made a valiant attempt to relate this woman to the practice of yoga. She peppered her routine with aphorisms she learned from her philosophy teacher, such as: "What you find at any level, you find at every level." (Which I actually agree with.)

She demonstrated the poses very well, and continually monitored our forms. And she had a way of being a drill sergeant without seeming like one, which is an invaluable talent for a yoga instructor. Of the three instructors, her routine was easily the most demanding, but it never felt that way. At the end of the class, she handed out postcards with her teaching schedule, and printed on each postcard was a photograph of her doing the cobra pose in a bikini. I love Los Angeles.


3) THE BRIT

Vibe: Your Favorite Au Pair

New Age Quotient: Medium

Workout Rating: * * *

This instructor had a very soothing Britain-inflected voice, and liked to lead us through the forms with a sing-songy voice, as if she were a nanny reading a story to her charges. She was a very calming and maternal presence in the room, and her routine was the most pampering. We did a LOT of stretching.

About halfway through the session, I felt that it was getting pretty stuffy (there were thirty students in the room), and then I realized: this instructor had closed all the windows and doors. And left off the fans. There was steam forming on the windows. And that's when I noticed something about all my instructors: no matter how nice she appears to be, there's a thin undercurrent of sadism to her. She kind of wants you to experience some pain. She likes that, you see.

The workout wasn't bad, but weekend classes are always overcrowded, and there's no incentive for the studio to cap the class size. It's no fun doing yoga poses when you're afraid of hitting your neighbor.

A post about my yoga experience itself is forthcoming.