A Very Big If: The First Anniversary

Time for a lesson on the Dutch language.

A week ago, I grabbed a meal at the Fairfax Farmer's Market. In the old days, I would never do this for three reasons: traffic, parking, and crowds. But since I don't work during the day, I can just roll up, find plentiful parking, and claim acres of tables all for myself. Contrast this experience with the one experience by nearly everyone on Saturday afternoon.

So I walked to the Gumbo Pot, ordered a catfish po' boy, and didn't have to hunt for a table. The market was quiet, the sun was setting, the air was pleasant, and the sandwich was perfect. And I thought to myself, this is pretty much everything that I had hoped for.

That moment - the moment in which I recognize exactly how good my life can be - occurs to me frequently these days.

It's the first anniversary of A Very Big If, and I naturally do some thinking about exactly what kinds of changes have occurred in my life. The first one I could mention is the appearance of these moments of recognition and thankfulness - moments that were fleeting and rare when I was working a day job. The Dutch have a word for the quality of these instances - gezellig. The Dutch are proud of this word because it is uniquely Dutch, having no easy translation in any other language. Having a po'boy at a slow farmer's market on a perfect day is gezellig; being fed cold burritos from Baja Fresh at the office during overtime - not so much.

These are simple moments. After I finished my meal, I stopped in the book store and perused the remainder stacks. That would be another one. Here are some others:

• Walking down Larchmont on my way to yoga class.


• Grating parmesan cheese to sprinkle on my pasta.


• Buying cookies from girl scouts and hearing the latest neighborhood gossip.


• Sending and receiving long e-mails with old friends.


• Rarely, if ever, being in a hurry; as a corrollary, rarely using an alarm clock.


• Grocery shopping when the store is practically empty.


• Thinking of a book I'd like to read, checking it out from the library, and reading it. All in the same day.


• Subjugating the travel section at Borders each weekend with friends to plan a trip to Asia. (Sumo wrestling! Tiger cubs! Bamboo forests!)


• Writing without anyone looking over my shoulder.


• Having unusually friendly conversations with strangers, because that's what civilized people do.

I originally undertook this endeavor to actualize some important moments in my life and work. And slowly but surely, those moments are manifesting. But life is ultimately comprised not of these big moments - which flare briefly and quickly fade - but of a sustained series of smaller ones. You spend a lot more time with your toothbrush than with the trophies on the shelf.

What I have come to enjoy is the change in the quality of my life's smaller moments. They are the ones that the determine the shape of my life as I live it.