Everything I Know About Fashion, Part 3

Previously: Part 1, Part 2

9) Buying sale merchandise is fine. Some women attach a stigma to buying things on sale. These women are stupid and frivolous - do not date them. The fashion industry is a pretty big scam, all things considered - even the most expensive pair of jeans cost what - twenty dollars to make? And ladies, did you know that when you wear Juicy Couture, you're actually wearing Liz Claiborne - the official brand of middle-aged librarians? What I'm saying is, the fashion industry has all sorts of ways of convincing you to pay much more than the clothes are worth - stigmatizing sales is yet another one of their tricks.

10) On the other hand, If you know exactly what you want - and can find it - then go ahead and spend the money to get it. Enjoy your life.

11) Think twice about getting something because it's functional and cheap. That money could be spent towards something lethal and durable. Do it enough times, and you get a closet full of functional and cheap, with no room or money left for lethal and durable.

12) The Matrix. When considering a garment, think about how many other garments in your wardrobe this item can be worn with. Also consider if the garment can be layered with other garments in the winter. The idea is to maximize the possible number of permutations in your wardrobe. If something is expensive and can only be worn with only a few other items you own, pass.

13) Wear the damn clothes. Don't buy stylish expensive clothes and put them in the closet for a special occasion. This is called hoarding, and Jesus can't stand hoarders. From now on, only wear your best threads, even to grocery store. Life is too short to wear your scrub clothes.

14) Clothing is inherently ephemeral. Almost nothing stays in fashion for more than two years - and even if it does, a) it'll either wear out, or b) you'll get tired of it. Think of your closet as a project that must be occasionally renewed, and not a museum.

To be continued in (hell yes, I can do this all day) Part 4.

Yukari, Junpei, Mitsuru, and Me

Persona 3 is a game that attempts to model one academic year in the life of a typical Japanese high school student, albeit one who just happens to stumble across a hidden hour between midnight and 12:01 am, during which a hitherto unseen tower rises from his school campus, and disagreeable demons emerge. The game, like high school, is a challenge of time management. Do you study for mid-terms, go on a date with your sweetheart, or save the world from demonic evil?

This is a game which will require, at my current pace, about eighty hours to complete. I'm halfway done.

Do I really have this kind of time? I can justify the allocation by pointing out that Persona 3 serves as research for two upcoming projects: Pillow Crisis 2(!) and another project which serves as my attempt to become The Greatest Final Fantasy Fan Fiction Writer Of All Time.

But ultimately, I admit that you cannot devote eighty hours of your life to something unless you really, really enjoy it. Here are just a few of the reasons why I enrolled at Gekkoukan High:

1) Getting lost on the first days of school because the campus is so big and unfamiliar.

2) Knocking out demons with a baseball bat, and ordering my classmates to go in for an all-out melee. Never gets old.

3) Everybody - the ditz, the jock - is hiding a secret. And they all have serious issues.

4) The hierarchy of demons is based on the tarot deck, with demons being grouped by allegiance to cards (Hermit, Magician, Death) from the Major Arcana. Being a huge fan of the Rider Waite tarot deck and a certain lady who uses it, I adore this detail.

5) Running into my acquaintances at random places (the subway station, the shrine) in town when school lets out.

6) Listening to the girls in my combat unit complain about the lack of fashion sense in the body armor I give to them.

7) Being given the option to fall asleep in class as a means of regaining stamina to fight demons later in the evening.

8) Pop quizzes on the difference between the Paleolithic and Neolithic ages. And actually having to pay attention during lectures when the teacher says, "This will be on the exam."

9) The simplicity and beauty of the allegory of kids with repressed (inner) demons that represent their traumas and their strengths. They have stuff inside, and they just have to get it out.

10) The charmingly Japanese notion that strong academic performance correlates strongly with one's desirability to high school girls, and in turn, one's ability to fight demons.

11) Going on spring break and attempting to mack on (only to get shot down by) college chicks.

12) Casual acquaintances (the neighborhood dog, the friendly grade school kid) reveal their greater significance in your life with time. Just like real life!

13) Going to see the school nurse when I'm not feeling well.

14) The oppressive structure and amount of ennui in my life - I had almost forgotten how simultaneously busy - and how boring - a high schooler's life is.

How To Accomplish The Impossible

Very simple.

You attempt the thing you want to accomplish 243 times. By the time you get to attempt number 200, the end of the tunnel should be in sight.

I say this because I've gotten to the point where there are only a few yoga poses I can't do. I told my instructor the other day:

"I don't think there's anything you can throw at me I can't handle."

"Oh really."

"Yeah. You heard me. YOU HEARD ME."

"Uh, well... that's good!"

You know I've gotten good at something when the smack talk begins. I'm probably the only yoga student on earth that likes to talk shit to his instructor.

Anyway, I remember there were so many times that I thought to myself, "I will never be able to do this pose." I was convinced that it was impossible - that I had reached the limits of my body's strength and flexibility. But every single time, I was wrong.

If you saw me in my first class, you'd never believe what I can do now. I'm so flexible, that if I had a uterus, I'd be ready to start making babies. No drugs necessary. That's how open my hips are. I can throw up a handstand like it ain't no big thang now.

Which led me to the question today: how many classes did it take for me to achieve this level of mastery? I asked the person at the front counter, and he dutifully added up my tally in his head, and said:

"243 classes since April 2006."

"Sweet!"

"Excellent work, Rob."

You know, 243 times isn't even that much. If you attempted to do something impossible every day, it's not even a year.

My point is: most feats thought to be impossible wouldn't even take a year to accomplish.

I think entire lives could change with that small idea.

Everything I Know About Fashion, Part 2

Previously: Part 1

5) Be colorful. It works for peacocks, and I'm pretty sure we humans obey the same evolutionary biology. So many guys are afraid of wearing colors, and wearing them gives you such an edge. Every time I wear lavender or lime or pink, it's inevitable - a female will make a point of stepping forward to compliment me. I was talking about this with Ting, Stefanie's BFF, and she said, "But wait a minute - won't girls think you're gay?" And then she immediately followed up with, "Oh wait - if they stop to think about whether you're gay or not, they're in your back pocket." Smart girl.

6) No article of clothing should ever be pointedly uncomfortable to wear. There are too many clothes out there that look and feel good to waste your time with discomfort.

7) Do your homework. Make a regular habit of entering stores and trying on clothes, especially in expensive places. It's the fastest way to develop good taste - to know what is stylish and looks good on you. Then you can either buy things that aren't as expensive but look the same (girls do this all the time - it's called Forever 21 with their knockoff Diane Von Furstenberg dresses), or wait for things to go on sale (again, girls).

8) Corollary to the previous rule: try on clothes at places you would never normally shop at (because you don't think you're the target demographic). You'll be surprised, and it will inject new blood into your closet. I have things in my closet from all kinds of places, from thrift stores to Barney's Coop. Combine the two, and you'll get a pretty unique outfit.

To be continued in Part 3.

The Best Sunset In The History of LA

Occurred yesterday. It had been raining on and off all day. Driving south on the 101, the sky was filled with an immense rainbow, arcing through the sky, big thick bands of color. The freeway appeared to be headed directly towards the end of rainbow. And if that weren't enough, there was more than one. Everywhere you turned, another massive rainbow curving above the city.

I've lived here quite a while, and I've never seen anything like it.

Everything I Know About Fashion, Part 1

Most men tend to underestimate exactly how tight their clothes need to be in order to get laid.

This is something I've learned as multiple individuals have asked over the past year or so that I go shopping for clothes with them. I don't know why people ask, as my personal fashion philosophy is to do and spend the absolute bare minimum to be stylish.

But for future reference, here is everything I've learned about men's fashion:

1) Don't depend on the opinion of a woman. The cliche is: shop with a woman. PLEASE. The opinion of a woman is valuable, but not THAT valuable. Remember, women are the dummies who are killing themselves trying to fit into skinny tapered jeans that don't flatter anybody, the ones wearing ugly leggings in the winter and hiding their stems from me (who thought this was a good idea?), the ones wearing baby doll dresses that make them look like dowdy infants. That being said, most women have more of a clue than you. Ultimately -- You have to do this by yourself.

2) Practice brand agnosticism. You may discover a particular brand that you love, and decide, in an effort to make shopping easier, to buy from that brand (or store) exclusively. This is a mistake because 1) every brand falls off eventually, and 2) diversity will always be more stylish than monotony. The only loyalty you want to practice is to your own body; things either look good on you or they don't.

3) Proper fit is more important than everything else. A retailer for frat boys and high schoolers makes dress shirts that are pretty cheap and not particularly remarkable. But they are the only dress shirts that are slim enough to fit snugly around my torso and shoulders - and because of this fact, end up looking much more stylish than shirts that cost three times as much. Of course, in a perfect world, I'd spend five times as much to get the cut, color, and pattern right, but the world is not quite that perfect yet. Fit is especially king when it comes to denim - more on this in a bit.

4) Never buy anything that is branded. Unless the logo is extremely small and inconspicuous. Not only because you don't want to be someone else's billboard, but because you want to keep people guessing where you shop. If they have to guess, congratulations: your taste is somewhat unique.

To be continued in Part 2.

This Workout Will Kill You So You Can Live Again

So you want to be a writer. Do you think you can handle the physical demands of the job?

My routine:

Yoga - five days a week
Weights - three days a week
Running - once a week

Do the math. That's more than one workout per day. That's right -- Friday Night Lights, y'all -- I'm a high school football player doing two-a-days.

Why do I do this to myself?

1) Increased Energy. You know that awful feeling you have when you're leaving your office job at the end of the day - that combination of physical and mental fatigue brought on by the copier toner and monitor glare? It's a most mysterious malady, especially considering that the life of an office worker isn't particularly strenuous. It's my suspicion that this feeling is that of your soul expiring. I haven't experienced it in ALMOST TWO YEARS.

2) Method writing. One of the characters in Lobsters vs. Butterflies has endured a particularly grueling physical training regimen her entire life, and spends most of the movie coping with extreme amounts of pain. In order to understand what she's going through, I am attempting to emulate her routine. When people ask me, "Why yoga?" I tell them, "Because there aren't any ninjutsu studios on Larchmont."

3) Preparation for child-rearing. This is somewhat tongue-in-cheek. Everyone I know who has kids has pretty serious neck and back problems from lugging their offspring around. I ain't going out like that. (Speaking of children, someone recently offered me a free sonogram of all things, and I said, "Yeah! Let me get someone pregnant, and I'll take you up on that.")

4) Free iPods, shoes, and food. My running group not only lends me the services of a babysitter/pacesetter who keeps an eye on my safety, but also loans me state-of-the-art running shoes and iPods. Not to mention the nutritionally balanced meal afterwards. And the best part: it's all FREE.

Japanese People Are Evil

And I can't stop writing about them.

Progress on my new script, Lobsters vs. Butterflies, has been slowed lately by the entrance of Japanese characters into the scene. (They are Japanese lobsters, you see. Evil Japanese lobsters.)

Progress slows because my familiarity with the Japanese language and culture is limited by what I can glean from video games, and anime (Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!) - hardly a large font of knowledge to draw upon.

So I depend on a great deal of reseach: primary sources and artwork and photography to piece together how things should look and sound and feel. Visiting Japan this past summer was a tremendous help, of course - it's one thing to read about the nightingale floor at Nijo castle, but quite another to hear it in person.

But no amount of research can provide you with the aura of words. There is a dense network of allusion and connotation and history packed in a name of any language, and it all goes right over your head if you're a native speaker. For all I know, my villain's name sounds like Eugene to Japanese audiences - naming Japanese characters is quite the arduous process, and any astute viewer will note that my Japanese names are packed with none-too-subtle nods to video games and anime. (I have a character named after a Sega arcade platform, for crying out loud.)

Despite this difficulty, or perhaps because of it, I have seen fit to include Japanese characters in my next three projects. In fact, each of the three stories prominently feature Japanese villains: Japanese lobsters in Lobsters vs. Butterflies, Japanese real estate magnates and pop culture icons in Pillow Crisis, and (ominously) the Japanese military in Waxahachie Air.

Clearly, I have a preoccupation with Japanese villainy. Perhaps it's a trace memory of my grandparents' experience during the Japanese occupation of Taiwan - my grandparents all speak and read Japanese fluently as a result, and they didn't exactly pick up the language as a hobby. And yet, none of my grandparents seem to bear any grudge against the Japanese at all. My mother and grandmother are vacationing in Hokkaido as I write this; my grandma's all like, "Hey Japan, you guys locked me up in a camp back in the day, but it's cool, I love your beaches."

Oh, and my great-grandmother was a geisha.

When you consider her life, and then consider mine, a writer spinning a yarn about treacherous Japanese crustraceans, it makes you wonder about the story the universe itself is spinning.

How You Know You Have A Full Life

You can't find the time to update your blog.

But also:

You wake up on a Saturday morning to your phone ringing. You pick it up. And someone tells you they're going to pick you up in half an hour.

You have no idea what this person is talking about.

"Uh...what are we doing again?

"We're having dumpings in Arcadia."

"Oh. Awesome."

My weekends are so booked that I am beginning to forget my plans right after I make them. I am beginning to wonder what it would be like to have the weekend to myself inside my apartment. I've done everything from view an amazing exhibition by Ghana artist El Anatsui, to meeting a Japanese Samurai robot who urged me to "improve human/robot relations!", to having barbecue right off the grill at a tailgate party in a grocery mart's parking lot.

And yet I'm busier than ever with my work. Which would suggest that I would keep the weekend adventuring to a minimum, but I've actually made it a top priority to do something interesting every week. So even though I have less time to have fun these days, I'm actually making it a point to have MORE fun.

Funny how this works. I'm a writer knee-deep in a draft of a script about the eternal and bitter rivalry between lobsters and butterflies. I spend a great deal of time alone at a desk, concentrating very deeply upon the choreography of fight sequences between crustaceans and insects. It's difficult, isolating work, and without some form of respite, I will begin to dread it, then hate it, and then rebel against it.

Which is why it's important that I go out and do things that aren't writing. Like the robots and the Ghana art, and the barbecue. To provide balance and normalcy and fun.