This Workout Will Kill You So You Can Live Again

So you want to be a writer. Do you think you can handle the physical demands of the job?

My routine:

Yoga - five days a week
Weights - three days a week
Running - once a week

Do the math. That's more than one workout per day. That's right -- Friday Night Lights, y'all -- I'm a high school football player doing two-a-days.

Why do I do this to myself?

1) Increased Energy. You know that awful feeling you have when you're leaving your office job at the end of the day - that combination of physical and mental fatigue brought on by the copier toner and monitor glare? It's a most mysterious malady, especially considering that the life of an office worker isn't particularly strenuous. It's my suspicion that this feeling is that of your soul expiring. I haven't experienced it in ALMOST TWO YEARS.

2) Method writing. One of the characters in Lobsters vs. Butterflies has endured a particularly grueling physical training regimen her entire life, and spends most of the movie coping with extreme amounts of pain. In order to understand what she's going through, I am attempting to emulate her routine. When people ask me, "Why yoga?" I tell them, "Because there aren't any ninjutsu studios on Larchmont."

3) Preparation for child-rearing. This is somewhat tongue-in-cheek. Everyone I know who has kids has pretty serious neck and back problems from lugging their offspring around. I ain't going out like that. (Speaking of children, someone recently offered me a free sonogram of all things, and I said, "Yeah! Let me get someone pregnant, and I'll take you up on that.")

4) Free iPods, shoes, and food. My running group not only lends me the services of a babysitter/pacesetter who keeps an eye on my safety, but also loans me state-of-the-art running shoes and iPods. Not to mention the nutritionally balanced meal afterwards. And the best part: it's all FREE.