Stefanie

I kidnapped someone once.

Her name was Stefanie, and one evening, I asked her to have dinner with me. Through some brilliant ingenuity and meticulous planning, we instead wound up sitting on an Amtrak train chugging its way to San Diego.

Here is a poorly kept secret: Stefanie is one of the inspirations for the character of Amelia in The Last Whatever. There's a moment in which Kitchen kidnaps Amelia. Part of that scene is the following exchange:

Amelia: Are you kidnapping me?!

Kitchen: Are you bored?

That's pure Stefanie and me.

Stefanie's in graduate school on the east coast now, and she e-mailed me to let me know that she would be in LA for a weekend. I asked if we could have a "slow, leisurely" lunch, and true to her nature, she proceeded to tease me for my use of the words "slow" and "leisurely" repeatedly during her visit.

I still remember the look on her face as we were standing in Union Station train depot, about to walk down that beautifully long corridor from which all the trains embark.

Stefanie broke into a irrepressible smile, gave me a sly look, and said only one word:

"Interesting."

She'll tell you she had a wonderful time. But we never got together.

Stefanie is also one of the inspirations for "A Very Big If". That's because, ten months ago, she embarked on her own adventure, which I give the title: "A Way Bigger If". As gutsy as I like to think I am for doing this, her quest is even more quixotic: she's taken out very large loans to study for a graduate degree in a field that is a passion, not a profession.

So whenever I think about how much money this is costing, I remember that somewhere on the east coast, sitting at a higher stakes table, is the unflappable Stefanie, calmly stacking and pushing chips. Clearly a girl after my own heart.

We ate lunch, wandered around West Hollywood looking for dessert, shared a box of Pocky purchased from Famima!!, and then broke into someone else's apartment to keep talking. There was definitely the sense, as in the movie "Before Sunset", that we were both looking for excuses to keep talking. As Stefanie said, "There aren't many people in my life I want to spend this kind of time with."

Every time I see Stefanie, I'm surprised that she's still around. There really is no logical reason why we should still be in each other's lives. Make no mistake, this girl definitely broke my heart (twice!), left too many things unsaid that shouldn't have been, and has had to put up with her own fair share of drama from yours truly. So why is it, exactly, that we're still in touch?

Spending those hours with her, I considered the reasons.

1) Stefanie and I know how to talk. Once, we went on a nine-hour road trip to see the Monarch butterfly migration in Southern California. (Imagine a cloud of thousands of butterflies lazily fluttering around your head.) During that trip, we never, not once, ran out of things to talk about. She'll be the first to tell you that that was her favorite conversation between us. This time, we talked about our lives, our love lives, and the future. She was, as she always is, very easy to be with.

2) We definitely love flirting with each other. At this point, flirting with each other is a compulsive habit - I don't even know if we could stop if we tried. Both of us share two things in common, which is that we love to tease, and we love wordplay. We also love to bicker, but when it comes down to it, bickering is really all of the above at the same time.

3) She's got a even temper. I think this is the reason why we're still friends. It sounds like the most basic thing, but in my experience, it's not. Stefanie has gotten angry with me many times, but she's never gone ballistic on me. And there's a big difference between the two, especially when you're relating to someone you care about and wish to keep in your life. She's been willing to patiently listen to me say things that upset her, and respond emotionally, but not abusively. I shall note this for future reference.

4) We just like each other a lot, as illogical as that may seem. Which is why I so often wonder why two people who like each other this much never got around to giving it a chance. But as a close friend of mine says: "What can you do?"

This is how the afternoon ended:

Her: (getting out of car) I look forward to seeing you in a month --

Me: Wait. You're actually going to get out of this car without giving me a hug?

Her: I guess I won't. (leans forward to give me a hug)

Me: No. (pushes her away) Get out of the damn car.

Her: (pushes back) I'm giving you a "slow, leisurely" hug.

And she hugs me for a very long moment.

And we say goodbye.

Download - Judy Talks About Stefanie (July 2004)